so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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