dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
