I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
