i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I wish there were birth control emojis
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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