I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
