I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
