the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
