I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
