in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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