when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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