I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
