I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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