i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
