Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
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