He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Randomize
