I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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