I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
