There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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