I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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