chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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