Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
