I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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