Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
