Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
