Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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