if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
