I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
