Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
