1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
