Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
