Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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