i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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