So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
