Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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