you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
