I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
