i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
