my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
