So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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