White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
