Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
