Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
