So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
