i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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