People in love make me want to vomit
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
