if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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