Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
