He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
