I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I cockslap morals
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
