thus making me awesome and them whores
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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