oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Did I show you my penis last night?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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